Saturday, December 4, 2010

Faking your own death

If you ever find yourself indebted to a mafia Don, then your only hope of surviving, short of winning the lottery, is to fake your own death.  The black ninja can help you with this.

Your first task is to determine your budget.  Remember, if you're going to go away for a long time, then you're car is a liability.  You don't want to get a parking ticket in Wapakanetti, Florida and blow your cover.  This brings us to the first possible way to fake your own death.

1:  Driving your car into a quarry - This is a great way to get rid of your car and to imitate your own death also.  It's important to put a dead body in the driver seat that is approximately the same age and size as you.  You also might want to destroy any existing dental records since they can be used to identify you.  I avoid this by not going to a dentist, I do all my own dental work, but that's an entirely different article all together.

2:  Burning down your house - Sometimes, if you don't have a lot of ready cash, you might want to sell your car, so you have some money to travel on and to get set up with your new identity.  In this case, you might want to burn down your house or apartment with a dead body in it.  This is good because you are probably going to have a hard time selling your home without raising suspicions.  Mafia Dons are notoriously suspicious, and you don't want to leave any unanswered questions that might get them searching for you.

3:  Jumping off a tall building - This is a much more difficult situation to fake, since you need a person that is not only alive, but who also resembles you very closely.  You also need to trick them into going up on a tall building with you and into putting your wallet into their pocket.  It also is important that nobody sees you go up there, because you will both be disappearing at about the same time.  You want it to seem like he just walked off one day, and you died, when in fact the exact opposite is true.

4:  Falling into a vat of molten metal - If you happen to work at a factory that smelts huge steel or iron structures, then you could probably just check in at work and walk off and people would naturally assume that you suffered a work accident of the most dire nature.  Since your body and uniform are mostly carbon, they would burn up pretty quick and nobody would probably notice.

5:  Getting eaten by a lion - This one is actually one of the easiest to fake.  Just sneak some meat and bones into the zoo and when nobody is looking, throw your wallet and some clothes with the meat into the lion's cage.  This is good because the lion eats all the evidence and the Mafia Don will probably be real happy that you died such a horrible death.

the land of the living
 Well, that's pretty much it.  If for some reason, you can't do any of those things, then you are in a pretty pickle because you are probably going to have to wear cement shoes to go swimming in the river.  If you are at the point where you're reading this article, then it's probably too late for you anyway.  You're best bet is just to go and throw yourself at the Don's mercy and maybe he'll let you keep your thumbs.

encrypted solution
 You shouldn't have gotten in this situation in the first place.  Only gambling addicts and stupid people go to a mafia Don for money.  What is wrong with you?  Maybe you deserve to have your thumbs taken off to keep you from getting into any more trouble.  Tell you what, if you go down the doctors, and have your thumbs surgically removed, it would save us a lot of trouble and show that you have proper remorse for your actions.  We can just forget the entire thing.

Have a nice day.  The black ninja are always successful.